Can't get that green beer out of your mind while huddled en cubicle? If you haven't the Irish know how of bringing your own clever water bottle of Guinness to that anit-St. Patty's corporation you work for, there are other ways to enjoy yourself.

1) NO MERCY PINCHINGS: Destroy those not wearing green as if on some bloody manhunt. Don't hesitate to create a fort around your work station in case they begin to form their own alliance against your greenness. Finger pinches are overrated. What you need is a heavy-duty adjustable wrench. If you work construction, you are at a slight advantage. Stake out the enemy with their body type in mind, and attack them as they walk away from you. The fleshy area on the upper arms is good, as well as visible back fat. Bonus points for anyone who manages to take the person to the floor.

2) GREEN BALLING: This is actually for nighttime, but you can also try it on your break. You'll need a handy bucket, some green food coloring, a loaf of white bread (Wonder Bread is good) and some water. Get some water in the bucket and squirt a few drops of food coloring in there too. Go outside in your normal camouflage gear and go to a busy street with lots of cars. While you hide in that nearby ditch, assemble your green bread balls by dipping them into the bucket. Get a few pieces nicely saturated and form into little balls. Children come in handy at this point so if you have some, take advantage. When a car comes by chuck the bread ball at the windows. SPLAT! Happy St. Patrick's Day! Bonus points for open windows.

3) BAGPIPE IT: There's nothing better than miles and miles of obnoxious bagpipe music when you're trying to meet a deadline or get a good night sleep. A boombox and a ratty pawn shop tape of generic bagpipe oddesseys  will do the trick. Walk around your office old school style with the boombox on your shoulder every half hour with that sweet noise blarin'. Or hide in some bushes in the wee hours of the mornin' outside any bedroom window ya see and set it off. No one forgets it's Patty's Day. Not even when it's over.

4) LEPRECHAUNS ARE PEOPLE TOO: Start your very own protest in honor of these peaceful fellas who only started getting a bad rap when they cast Ice-T in 'Leprechaun in the Hood' in 2000. Yes, I understand that picket signs normally take more than a day to prepare, but you don't need to get all fancy. 'For the love of leprechauns...' 'We're not lepers, stop shunning us...' Whatever you think will bring back their honor for good.

5) IN THE FIELDS OF ATHENRY: Find a nearby Irish pub and then go to the closest restaurant or bar that is distinctly not Irish. When the waiter or waitress comes, demand a plate of four leaf clovers. When they refuse you, begin a long and drawn-out story about your love affair with Ireland including it's history, major landmarks and how you lost your virginity. Put on the phoniest accent you can muster. Every time they interrupt, start the story over. See how long you can do this before you're tossed out. When you are, do to the Irish pub down the street.

That's all the shenanigans for now! Happy St. Patrick's Day!