Judges Roundup:

This week, Randy was under the weather and suffering from a dick cold.  What’s a dick cold?  It’s a cold that makes you act like a dick.  He was a grade-A hater on Tuesday night.  It scared my feelings.

Paula donned a deviant, costume-ball outfit complete with elbow-length, fingerless rubber gloves and a suspiciously lazy eye.  She may also have been ill as I can think of no other reason for bringing out the Kathleen Turner voice.

Simon was mellow; go figure.

Enough of this chatter.  On to the splatter.

Ramiele Malubay

(1987) | “Alone” by Heart

Warm, captivating and mysterious, Ms. Malubay can’t pick the right song to save her tiny little life.  Heart allowed for more vocal dimension but her buttery, low tones were over screeched by the back-up singers.

Jason Castro

(1987) | “Fragile” by Sting

Multilingual Castro speaks French, Spanish, English and Stoner.  Simon doesn’t think he’s taking this competition seriously enough and needs to be less laid back.  Jason said he could dig it, grandpa.

Syesha Mercado

(1987)  “If I Were Your Woman” by Stephanie Mills

This was her best performance since Hollywood Week (minus last week’s boobular dress appearance).  It was nearly flawless.  She’s arrogant and irritating with that baby voice, but the lady was unpitchy perfection. 

Chikezie (che)Eze

(1985) “If Only For One Night” by Luther Vandross

Chikezie?!  WTF, mate?  A sleepy R&B joint?  You are on a time out until I calm down.

Brooke White

(1983) “Every Breath You Take” by The Police

After last week’s sunny disappointment, our PG Gemini chose a dark, stalker classic.  With a false start and straightened hair, she gave one of her strongest performances and at no point sounded like she was going to break.

Michael Johns

(1978) Queen - “We Are the Champions” by Queen

Not a David Cook rocker but the judges thought he looked like a front man.  The screaming minions agreed.  Kool Aid, please.

Carly Smithson

(1983) “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler

Not a good dress for The Smithson.  Tight, straight lines on a bumpy bod are a deal breaker.  But do I like how she always looks mad when she sings.  It wasn’t a gush-worthy performance, but Randy got very upset about the ending being out of tune and then became ornery when gently challenged by Paula and Simon.  JUDGE FIGHT!!!!!!!

David Archuleta (is missing prom)

(1990) “You’re the Voice” by John Farnham

What is he singing about?  The lord?  Is he’s singing Christian rock?  Oh, it’s Australian?  Simon thought it sounded like a theme park song.  He’s right. 

Kristy Lee Cook

(1984) “God Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood

Simon commended her clever song choice.  It was a good performance by a bland performer.  Luckily, patriotism and a nice booty go a long way.

David Cook

(1982) “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson

AI’s aspiring supervillian slowed down the MJ standard using a Chris Cornell arrangement as the base for his moody-flamenco meets Bon Jovi angle.  Randy loved it. 

Glad to see that cold clearing up.

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