Ryan Seacrest attempted to punk with an April Fool’s fib about the show being preempted for the World Championship of Knitting or some such nonsense.  Then we went to Dollywood. 

The unique and prolific. Dolly Parton was the mentor/oracle of the week, teaching these kids about acrylic nails and growin’ up country.  She seems like a very nice lady and I want her to be my new best friend.

Brooke White - “Jolene”

While it’s true there was an odd, circus-vibe about her ensemble it still wasn’t nice for Simon to call the violin player “weird.”  Paula made the groundbreaking announcement that she loved Brooke White because, “YOU are Brooke White.”  Her performance this evening was solid, inspired, sweet and sad.  But Randy thought it was “just OK,” and Simon thought she lacked emotion.  Simon Kettle, this is the pot calling.

David Cook - “Little Sparrow”

Looking paler than usual, Mr. Cook went into full disclosure mode, revealing his methods for online arrangement poaching.  Then he sang a softer side of rock.  I’m not a big fan of the high voice but Randy liked the falsetto.  Paula liked his haircut.  Simon hates bird songs (see: Carly Smithson’s Blackbird performance critique).  Then David was rushed to the hospital because of heart palpitations and high blood pressure.  He’s now been released.

Ramiele Malubay - “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”

The sassy one was starstuck by Dolly but pulled it together in time for another ill conceived song choice.  Maybe the meeting of the tiny bodies and big voices short circuited the remaining brain function.  Luckily, this girl is so cute that even her emo mullet is charming.  Randy gave it 6.5 out of 10.  Simon thought it was forgettable and cruise shiply.

Jason Castro - “Travelin’ Thru”

He went to hug Dolly when they met for the mentoring session and she grabbed his dreads and started playing horsey.  It was unsettling to watch but at the same time it was nice to finally see someone do what we all wish we could.  He let loose a bit during his song but Simon still hated it.  The other two were amenable with a side of meh.

Carly Smithson - “Here You Come Again”

Looking pretty in dark eye makeup, she sang well and stopped scowling.  Simon said little about her vocals but gave an earful regarding her wardrobe, “I think you need to have a word with whomever is dressing you.”  He thinks her lack of starpower garb is holding her back.  I think he’s still upset about Blackbird.

David Archuleta - “Smoky Mountain Memories”

His heartfelt version of this song nearly made Dolly Parton cry her fake eyelashes right off her dang face.  With that, Randy bumped Smithson out of the “best of the night” category.

Kristy Lee Cook - “Coat of Many Colors”

Finally she dressed like a girlie.  Country music is her “wheel house” according to Randy.  Ok then, a wheel house it is.  Tonight may have been her best performance yet, but not according to Simon.  Ryan, however, was a fan of her barefoot, french pedicure.  I know these things must somehow count for something.

Syesha “Pegleg” Mercado - I Will Always Love You

Anyone who thought she’d pick a different Dolly song, please raise your hand.  You’re fired.  Dressed as a canary, Ms. Mercado did a good, not fantastic version of the Whitney’s belter. 

Michael Johns -  “It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right”

The man from down under got nothing but thumbs up from The Dolly herself.  He looked amazing last night in an eggplant, patterned ascot, and managed to keep the old-man dance routine to a minimum.  While I still wanted to roundhouse kick him in the nipples (this has been a season long desire), he sang exceptionally well without overdoing it.

Next week, Idol Pleasures Itself Gives Back.  Tune in for A-List celeb/musician segments, and donate money to help save the humans.  Not the humans competing in this competition.  They are fine.

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