The History of Rock ‘n’ Roll from Alan Freed to Ahmet Ertegun came to a whiplashed halt on Wednesday night, sending Jason Castro soaring dread first through the windshield of American Idol.

Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame fashioned a list of The 500 Most Influential Rock Songs and, aside from Archuleta (who can make anything sound like modern adult contemporary), the contestants hung themselves with too much choice rope. 

David Cook proved to be a bland Simon Le Bon with a wholly toothless version of Hungry Like The Wolf, while his second choice of The Who’s Baba O'Riley left room for his signature, octave jumping yelp. Paula thanked him gushingly for sharing his soul and Simon flashed a flirty smile.

Syesha Mercado was a Proud Mary dressed in Tina’s glittery mini-dress, doing the dance moves, and shrieking out the chorus.  The entire homage (including leg jerks and hip swivels) was a bit like watching a little girl in her mother’s heels try to run a 5K while singing the Star Spangled Banner.

The second song take-on was Sam Cooke’s A Change Is Gonna Come and though she looked lovely and sounded fairly good, I just don't believe her when she sings.  Randy agreed with me.  She cried and showed a lot of cleavage.

Jason "Puff Puff Give" Castro clichéd himself with an animated rendition of I Shot The Sheriff.  Who knew he was such a big Eric Clapton fan...   Randy didn't get it at all.  Paula liked the showmanship.  Simon thought it was an “atrocious, first round audition massacre,” stating incredulously, "I don't know what you're thinking?!!" 

"I was thinking Bob MARley!" said the Travolta muppet.

Carrying on with the Bob theme, Castro chose Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man as door number two and biffed the chorus on round one.  Jingle Jangle baby.  Simon told him to pack his suitcase.

Refreshingly dressed in age-appropriate garb, David “Sick Balls Chopper” Archuleta sang the Ben E. King classic Stand By Me, after confessing that he’s only ever performed the song in his own bedroom to an audience of dogs.  Randy was pleased that he’d “brought the hot mad vocals,” and creepily commended him for “caressing each word” of Love Me Tender.

They stood in a diagonal, firing-squad pose awaiting their fate as the show opened last night.  Nearly 51 million votes were tallied and, in an effort to put people more on edge, the final four began with an awkward group sing of Reelin’ In The Years by Steely Dan.

Further milking their licensing access of the Lennon/McCartney songbook, we watched footage of the AI fab four as they boarded a private jet to Las Vegas where they took in a show of Cirque du Soleil: LOVE. 

Back in the studio, David Archuleta was the first to find safety on the sofa, followed by David Cook, followed by more filler.

The hour held such magical treats as a Ford commercial showing the quartet dressed as brightly colored matadors in tight pants, a weirdly disco Maroon 5 live spot that saw Adam Levine singing Rihanna’s parts in forced falsetto, and a decent rock joint by Bo Bice and his flowing unicorn hair. 

Syesha rolled on through, but it was one toke over the line for Castro.

Next week, 3 is magic number.

Get to know your idols… 
Visit the LA.COM American Idol Archive and catch up on Season 7!

Photo by McLovin via Castrocopia