Emerging from a tunnel of light like Carol Anne trapped in the television set, Ryan Seacrest took an hour to tell us what could have been accomplished with 3 little words; David Hernandez, goodbye. 

Episode 21 runeth’d over with cameos and flashbacks, starting with Jim Carrey’s “contractual obligation” to dress up like a Seuss elephant and plug Horton in front of a global audience.  Sanjaya and Sisterjaya were also in attendance, and Catherine McPhee + David Foster did a beautiful, straightforward arrangement of The Beatles’ beauty, Something.

But it was during the group-sing medley that I realized something alarming.  Little David Archuleta is hella cracking under the pressure of his two popped collars.  And that breathy affect in his voice is sounding less and less intentional and more and more like asthma.  He chased the song, was out of breath, and kind of sounded like Frankie Muniz' wheelchaired friend from Malcolm In The Middle.  Rule number one, there’s a fine line between sexy and Anaphylaxis.

Syesha Mercado, Kristy Lee Cook, and David Hernandez were the night’s “bottom 3,” and they were sent downstage to think about what they’d done.  Then each was handed a mic and instructed to sing the crappy cover that got them there in the first place. 

“Dolly Parton on helium” was spared, Ramiele “Lullaby” can sleep easy tonight, and David Hernandez got the shaft. 

Good luck DH.  Let’s all do our part to keep that boy off the pole.

Next week, the herd takes down another zebra.

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Photoshoppatude by Me