Welcome to the first “live” show.  They sing, America votes, and the judges steer public opinion with varying degrees of criticism and whimsy.  Scoring a 5.4 on crazy-meter was our beloved Paula who graded the Top 12 male performances by color auras and associated feelings.  Aces.

It was a ‘60s theme and I must therefore blame the parents.  Poor song choices by this season’s youngest tadpoles can only be attributed to lack of musical exposure.  What did their spongy little brains soak up in those formative years?  Shame shame.  Two Elvis choices = doesn’t know better.  You can’t take on Elvis unless you really really really really really mean it.  No matter how gay you are. 

David Hernandez: Midnight Hour (Wilson Pickett)

Simon says, “Better than I expected.”  Mr. Arizona gave it a gospel, organ treatment but needs to loosen up on that “big ol’ voice.” 

Chikezie Eze: More Today Than Yesterday (Spiral Staircase)

Biffed the vocals while donning a shrill, red suit and a winky grin.  The ‘70s revival-lounge version confused the judges and prompted an “old fashioned” response.

David Cook: Happy Together (The Turtles)

Starlight and toothy, the neo-Daughtry paraded around with the mic stand, his flat-ironed hair and wrist cuffs shaking under the hollered chorus.  Randy says, “You worked it out. You made a rock joint out of Happy Together.  Dude that was crazy!” Then compared him to Layne Staley.  Things are starting to unhinge. 

Jason Yeager: Moon River (Andy Williams)

The young Texan father went the cruise-ship route with an unmemorable and tonally ambiguous cover.  Sweet and sentimental, Simon imagines the singing waiter as “a dependable old dog.”  This makes no sense.

Robbie Carrico: One (Three Dog Night)

Former boy-bander and one time Britney love interest doth protest too much of his JT looks and popper past, but did OK with the ‘60s.  Simon is trying to figure out if his rockness is real.  Given his caramel voice, there still may be braids under that bandana. 

David Archuleta: Shop Around (Smokey Robinson)

Breathy for a little thing, isn’t he?  The 17 year old went for a “bold” choice and got triple gold from the judges.  Star Search clearly had their shit together when they crowned the jailbait nugget at 12.

Danny Noriega: Jailhouse Rock (Elvis Presley)

The anti-Archuleta brought “Danny’s good time party” to the stage but did not showcase the vocal skills.  Simon saddened the Proud Mary with a “grotesque” assessment of his swaggerfest, while the other judges seemed satisfied with the performance aspect of his song choice.

Luke Menard: Everybody’s Talkin’ (Harry Nilsson)

Luke Perry Loggins Bloom Menard gave a “pitchy” and “forgettable” performance that begged for a personal touch, much like the growing fanbase of women who proclaim him a dreamboat.  Wtf planet am I on?

Colton Berry: Suspicious Minds (Elvis Presley)

Simon’s boxcut got vindictive with some variation of, “You didn’t represent yourself...  Looking for a recording artist...  Not current sounding...  Waste of time...  Worry more about your vocals and less about your hair.” 

Garrett Haley: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (Neil Sedaka)

And the look-alikes keep coming with Leif Frampton Spicoli Manilow and his sleepytime songscapes!  Advice from the judges?  “Take chances. Get some fresh air.”  I hope he sticks around.  We hardly know him.

Jason Castro: Daydream (Lovin’ Spoonful)

Simon bequeathed to coveted, “You just got it,” to the half-folkie/half-Muppet for an effortless, charismatic performance of man and guitar.  It was so charming, I hugged my TV.  Hopefully his pretty eyes, shy, wide smile and strong, tender voice helped to soften the blow felt by the other 11 who got spanked by his giant dreads. 

Michael Johns: Light My Fire (The Doors)

Don’t trust a man with two first names.  He’s trying too hard to rock.  Not a rock guy.  He wears a scarf.  For warmth.  Randy thought it was hot.  Paula thought it was great.  Simon thinks he’s already like a frontman.  I think I want to punch him in the face.  Isn’t that awful?  I don’t even know the guy.

Now the girls…

Photos via American Idol via Popsugar