Epidsode 8

The applicant pool of 100,000 has slimmed down to a foot bath of 164 contestants, and in just a few days they will engage in the ritualistic massacre that has come to be known as Hollywood Week.

As a warm up to the carnage, the AI braintrust sallied forth with clip show of tepid proportions for the eighth (and final) episode of Season 7 auditions. 

This “best of the rest” installment featured bloopers and triumphs from all seven cities, beginning with a turbulent twenty-something from Florida who had mad-love for Limp Bizkit.  A wing-flapping dance move accompanied his yelling rendition of their Faith cover, but alas Luke Reeder was voted off the island.

We were also introduced to the sheepy Victor Villegas, 18, from Texas, who kicked it barnyard style, an Indiana gal named Amy Davis with the perkiest, um, smile and a Blue Bayou that inspired the judges to give her a chance, as well as one Tiffany McCambell with a voice given to her “by god” as a “gift” that prompted Simon to inquire about the return policy. 

Identical twins Cory and Chris Lane were up next with their shared girlfriend (don’t judge... that’s they way they do it in NC) Ashley Lawling.  Dressed alike in canary-yellow Polo shirts, and generally creepy like the twins on The Simpsons in that episode where Bart sells his soul, these very yacht club southern boys rapped and beatboxed through their entire audition seemingly oblivious to the fact that American Idol is a singing competition. 

Shocked to see her beaus exit sans yellow paper, Ashley hiked her girls into a tight, black dress, and with a Pomeranian puppy under one arm, strut into the audition room swinging her blonde strands and showing teeth.

While the judges were enchanted by Panda the Pomeranian puppy, they found her audition to be excruciating, or as she repeated back incredulously, “exCRU-she-ate-EN!” After inquiring whether or not it was “opposite day,” Ms. Lawling took the bad news with dignity and flounced into the sunset with her brood.

Cardin Lee McKinney, a 20 year old Nashville native with a Broadway bent, gave the theatrical treatment to her follow up performance.  Although the judges doubted her as a contemporary recording artist, they felt there was room for improvement and let the lady through to fight it out in the next round.

Hoboken resident and plus-size model JoAnne Borgella, 25, dared to take on Celine’s I Love You to medium results.  Randy felt she got “small in the upper register” but liked her enough to send her though, further reinforcing my theory that no one can resist a NJ accent.  “I love you awl,” she gushed, and then headed down the shore.

Up next was 18 year old Alesha Stelzl from Ontario, CA, who surrendered a cartoonish and confusing, Jewel-like offering to the alter of Celine Dion.  The mushy performance received such accolades as, “absolutely dreadful”, “all over the place”, and the coffin nailer, “wrong song for you!” 

However it was the last observation that would prove most fortuitous, as Randy and Paula decided that what she needed was simply some Dolly Parton.  Thus the edict was handed down, “Go learn a Dolly Parton song and come back.”  After a quick YouTube tutorial (she didn’t know any Dolly), the little missy gave us Islands in the Stream (without Kenny), and was welcomed to Dollywood.

Following with a Luther Vandross quiet storm, 22 year old Chikezie Eze of Inglewood gave a silky rebuttal to his previous rejection on Idol.  “You wasn’t feeling me last time” he confessed to Randy, but the crooner was belting to impress, and a round of YES went to the guy with funnest name ever to say.

The final audition footage of Season 7 went to Danny Noriega, a 17 year old from Azusa, who outted with a confident, engaging, and dead-on-balls-sexy version of Proud Mary, replete with swagger, finger snaps, and warmness.  Our new favorite contestant buckled under nerves last season, but he’s bigger and badder this year (if elfish eyebrows and a cute pixie cut can really be considered big and/or bad).

Next Tuesday, blood spills at the Orpheum.