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The Pinkberry Hater's Guide to the Other FruitsWhat their Berries Can't Allow
BY MALLORY GRAVES >LA.COM
The OtherBerry journey was a brutal test of brains, brawn, taste-bud maintenance, metabolic stamina and automobile maneuvering. A parking space brawl occurred outside of Haus by the Yogurt Queen, heads were almost split in a Kiwiberry, children screamed and threw crayons while unattended at Cantaloop, and I was denounced by a homeless man after he saw me throw away a chalky mess of granola and gruel from Yogotango. Many times I wanted to give up. Plagued by the shakes, teeth dotted with ?Berry seeds, I suffered my own identity crisis as I stared into the vacant styrofoam well of each succeeding WhoAmIBerry coil of human loathe. They all began to run together in a thick, sticky river of Fogurt, right down the center of Hollywood. F***Berry. I meant FakeBerry. Here are a few of the Pinkberry alternatives whose happy yogurt machines I tapped.  It was a cold and rainy Monday morn when I happed upon Barenaked Yogurt, one of the rare gems in a sea of competing Valley yogurt franchises. BARENAKED YOGURT 17499 Ventura Blvd Encino, CA 91316 (818) 461-0346  A mid-sized helping of plain yogurt with chocolate chips and strawberries, $3.95, Barenaked Yogurt Vibe: At 11:00 a.m on a Monday, the vibe at Valley-based Barenaked Yogurt is that of one eager and caffeinated 'Naked employee behind a bright canopy of eye-splitting back lit yogurt menus, as well as the expected array of yogurt accoutrement. I felt welcome and ready to conquer the world in there. Synopsis: My yogurt was excellent, crisp and eerily healthy-tasting. A mid-sized helping with two toppings (chocolate chips and strawberries) was $3.95. See above. Bonus: I appreciated the clear, square container it came in. I could really see everything that was going on with my yogurt throughout the entire consumption process. Penalty: My receipt said "Bare Naked Yogurt," but the sign said "Purenaked Yogurt." Well, which one is it, Bare or Pure? There's a big difference.  Child-sized serving of green tea with raspberries, $3.75, Céfiore CÉFIORE 6922 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA, 90028
(323) 465-9097
www.cefiore.com Vibe: I must say, this yogurt joint in the heart of Hollywood seemed less than intimate, like perhaps my yogurt wasn't receiving the delicate care it deserved. Synopsis: I wasn't super-impressed with this product. I believe the berries were on 'rroids and overpowered the yogurt. One child-sized portion of green tea flavor with raspberries (see above) was almost $4.00 Bonus: The store was bursting with flat screen T.V.'s featuring hip looking yogurt eating boys and girls. If this inspires you to eat their yogurt, then you've come to right place. Penalty: The plastic chairs were everywhere, and I believe they were even smaller than the Pinkberry ones. Asses were devouring them left and right. Also, I petition to change this yogurt haven's name to an unpronounceable symbol.  YOGOTANGO 1300 N Highland Ave
Los Angeles, CA, 90028
(323) 466-7724
www.yogotango.com  This helpful diagram at Yogotango really allowed me to understand the process of yogurt making and what it can mean for my digestion. If you look closely at steps 1-2-3, yogurt is WAY easier to make than we all thought.  Strawberry yogurt with granola topping, $2.50, Yogotango Vibe: To my utter disappointment, there was not a tango floor inside, but I dealt with it. Once again, it was a less than hopping hour for this joint, but good feelings abounded. My yogurt pro behind the counter seemed thrown when I asked her to surprise me with her favorite yogurt concoction. After much pressure, she pulled the lever on the dispenser labeled "Strawberry" and told me to add granola. Sweet! She also let me take pictures, and was adorably embarrassed when I took one of their above pictured how-to sign because there was a typo in it. Later, I could not find the typo. Oh, humble Yogotango. Synopsis: The small sized strawberry and granola (see above) number only set me back $2.50, which is way cheaper than the other places. But, it was a bad move in the end. The combination of granola and strawberry made for a chalky mouthful of hell. I threw it away when I walked far enough, and in a horrid display of karma a homeless man saw me and frowned violently. Bonus: This was the only yogurt place I visited that allowed customers to spoon their own toppings on. On the downside, this could lead to reckless topping spoonage, which might come back to haunt you when they weigh the thing and you're charged extra for that huge dingleberry. Penalty: I would say the people responsible for Yogotango should focus less on cool, informative yogurt signs and worry more about how their yogurt actually tastes. Also, if there was more tangoing going on inside, I'd definitely visit more often.  CANTALOOP 7095 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA, 90028
(323) 874-0886
www.cantaloopyogurt.com  Pomegranate yogurt with yogurt chips, $4.11, Cantaloop Vibe: Though the digs were very clean, green and charming, I felt like I was in a nursery. As in, children behaving badly with no supervision. Besides that, I appreciated the well-maintained tall grass lining the patio. I felt safe. Synopsis: For a $4.11, I ordered a regular sized pomegranate and yogurt chips (see right) which was absolutely delicious. The pomegranate is a nice change from the plain stuff, but not as overpowering as the green tea. Or chalky like the strawberry. Though kind of pricey, it was worth it.  Bonus: Generous portions and unique surroundings. This place didn't feel as sterile as the others. Penalty: Plastic torture chairs. See right  KIWIBERRY 8562 W 3rd Street
Los Angeles, CA, 90048
www.kiwiberry.com Vibe: Kiwiberry seemed pretty rad, if not hosed-down with nauseating berry-themed wall decor. They had a little Christmas tree in the corner, a chick doing her homework in the back and a business man humming "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" while he decided what to order. Despite the snooty surroundings on 3rd Street, Kiwiberry was jumping with goofy goodness. Synopsis: This is where it gets really sad for me. After ordering my hefty kiwi concoction (that looked like something an adventurous five year-old would order) I discovered that they only take cash. Bonus: Though I did not receive my Kiwiberry treat, I must say I respected the place for having the balls to reject the low-life's like me that assume plastic is the only way. Especially for an area like this. Penalty: Seeing that my yogurt had already been dispensed and spooned upon, it seemed fitting that the Kiwiberry chick would hand over the melting thing. But she held her ground and wouldn't give it up. I would only understand this if she went on to eat it herself. My opinion of Kiwiberry remains skewed.
HAUS BY YOGURT QUEEN
DIET YOGURT 44
SNOWBERRY Small peach yogurt with coconut shavings, $4.25, Snowberry CONCLUSION: Well, I'd like to say that my journey has brought me to a state of yogurt zen, but I'm just as confused now than when I started. I began this with the intent of ruining Pinkberry's legacy and putting to shame the very product they churn out for millions of eager eaters every day. Instead, I found my alternatives to be a sad maze of similar almost-yogurt franchises that hum the same money-making tune of their biggest competitor. And with questionable success. I guess this poses the question: How come there are so many? -Mallory Graves
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 Just got back from South Beach...That Cool Yogurt Place blows all these yogurt shops away! Numerous flavor juices, great fruit toppings, and waffles! Posted 04/23/08 08:19PM PDT by Mary D
Hilarious! Now I want to do my own yogurt tour of LA. Posted 03/22/08 09:45PM PDT by Sonya
Wow! That's a lot of fro-yo! I'm impressed. I was laughing the entire time... :D Posted 01/31/08 01:29PM PST by ansel
hhahah diet yogurt 44 is making you sleeeeepy... SLEEEEEPY..... faboo guiding! Posted 01/30/08 03:51PM PST by lisa
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completely empty at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday, HBYQ was in full party mode. At its epicenter, a peculiar conference table that seemed out of place. Along the perimeter, huge back lit green squares, snazzy flat screens flashing (once again) cool, pretty people eating yogurt and hidden super speakers.
Vibe: Half afraid that I was entering one of L.Ron Hubbard's hidden classrooms, I took the risk of being brainwashed and force fed what I believed was good for me at Diet Yogurt 44. Actually being inside did not settle my suspicions. On the wall, a panel discussed the benefits of eating gold. Yes, gold. I was too terrified to snap a picture of it. Also on the wall, a huge picture of Tom chasing Jerry with a container of yogurt. Mmmmk. Obscure Tom Cruise reference, perhaps?
