BY BOB STRAUSS
FILM CRITIC

All but devoid of acting, ideas or laughs, "Moving McAllister" barely even qualifies as a movie.

There's so little to it that it's kind of a miracle anything actually stuck onto the film emulsion. Yet unfold along it does for 93 unimaginative minutes.

Ben Gourley, who also wrote the script, plays a Miami law firm intern named Rick.

His utter lack of personality and backbone convinces high-powered senior partner McAllister (Rutger Hauer) that Rick's the perfect, unthreatening schlub to drive his beloved but "wild" niece, Michelle ("That '70s Show's" Mila Kunis) from Savannah to L.A.

Rick's bar exam is in four days, but of course he can't say no.

Apart from occasionally filling Rick up with mood-altering pharmaceuticals, Michelle's wildness is mainly confined to owning a flatulent pet pig and wanting to take side trips to the beach.

Further mad craziness is provided by a spacy hitchhiker played by - stroke of casting genius - Jon Heder. The rattletrap truck McAllister rented for them breaks down, runs out of gas, gets stolen, etc.

Oh, and Rick has a fat, sex-obsessed slacker buddy (Hubbel Palmer).

When was the last time you saw one of those? Since last month, I mean.

Anyway, if I'm ruining a major plot point by noting that complete polar opposites Rick and Michelle end up mutually attracted well, I just can't help you.

Some of director Andrew Black (the Mormon "Pride

and Prejudice" update) and Gourley's more ambitious gambits include vomiting in a hot tub, dreams involving astronaut and gorilla suits, and a bit that they readily admit was inspired by "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" (but, quizzically, not as good).

Beyond tedium, somebody thinks they're invisible, a back pimple gag leads to gay panic, there's a climactic run through an airport, and many other clichés that were first recorded around 300 B.C. pad out the rest of "Moving McAllister's" running time.

Bob Strauss (818) 713-3670 bob.strauss@dailynews.com

MOVING McALLISTER (no stars)

>PG-13: drug use, mild violence.
>Starring: Ben Gourley, Mila Kunis, Jon Heder, Rutger Hauer.
>Director: Andrew Black.
>Running time: 1 hr. 33 min.
>Playing: Area wide.
>In a nutshell: Not moving, not funny.