BY GLENN WHIPP >Film Critic

In the offensively pandering rom-com "Made of Honor," we meet Tom (Patrick Dempsey), a wealthy, well-dressed Manhattan bachelor who loves to go antique shopping, can expound endlessly on an array of yummy desserts (and he shares!), displays a flair for fashioning gift baskets and knows his best friend's high-maintenance coffee drink by heart.

In other words, as more than one character in the movie puts it: Tom is gay. He's not, of course, but this observation is made so often in this soul-crushingly bad movie that you might think the filmmakers have a self-awareness about the fantasy character they've created.

That would imply that actual thought had been expended in the writing and directing of this film. Really, it is nothing more than a quickie, gender-reversed remake of "My Best Friend's Wedding" designed as a vehicle for Dempsey to bat his big blue eyes at female moviegoers.

In case you didn't see "My Best Friend's Wedding," here's how "Made" rehashes the plot:

Tom and Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) have been best friends for 10 years. The womanizing Tom has slept with every attractive woman in Manhattan with the exception of Hannah because he values their friendship. But he doesn't realize how much he values it until she returns from a trip to Scotland with a wealthy beau in tow.

Said fiance, Colin (Kevin McKidd), is the handsome heir to Scotland's largest whiskey distillery. He's also a duke. He can slam-dunk a basketball. And he is amply endowed, a discovery Tom and his gym buddies make as they watch him lather up in the locker-room shower. (Repeat: Tom is not gay.)

Colin's nationality gives the filmmakers license to break open their Big Book o' Scottish Humor, which includes, of course, gags about kilts, haggis, bagpipes and people speaking in a porridge-thick brogue.

But poking fun at wacky foreigners isn't why "Made of Honor" exists.

Now that Tom - who has been asked to be "maid of honor," the pun of the title - knows Hannah is The One, he must stop her wedding!

Feelings must be acted upon! That we know practically nothing about Hannah is precisely the point. She exists as a cipher, all the better for audience members to step into her designer shoes.

One question the movie never bothers to ask: Is Tom really such a catch? Simple arithmetic would indicate that he has more between-the-sheets conquests than Wilt Chamberlain. He treats women like dogs and dogs like princesses. He has the emotional maturity of a preschooler. McDreamy? Scratch below the gelled surface, and you've got McNightmare.

Glenn Whipp, (818) 713-3672 glenn.whipp@dailynews.com

review>

MADE OF HONOR

>PG-13: sexual content, language.
>Starring: Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan.
>Director: Paul Weiland.
>Running time: 1 hr. 41 min.
>Playing: Areawide.
>In a nutshell: Gender-reversed "My Best Friend's Wedding" mindlessly panders in worst way possible.