BY GLENN WHIPP >FILM CRITIC

For all its depressing, generic nothingness, the movie version of "Get Smart" does boast a number of strange-but-true moments, things we have never seen before and, God willing, will never see again.

What would a Jason Bourne movie look like if directed by the guy behind "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps"? Check out "Smart's" interminable chase scene finale, which hops all over Los Angeles County, or the incomprehensible, quick-cut ballroom face-off between stars Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway for the alarming answers.

"Smart" is a film that assumes you know all the catch phrases and history of a television show that ran 40 years ago, but then dispenses them in a manner that's guaranteed to insult the faithful who bring that very knowledge to the table.

It's a movie that spoofs intelligence in the most unintelligent way possible and stretches the boundaries of plot-free filmmaking into frontiers until now explored only by former cast members of "Saturday Night Live."

"Get Smart" begins, as is required of almost all would-be starter franchises these days, as an origin story, showing how Maxwell Smart (Steve Carell) got his groove, going from being a dweeby, behind-the-scenes analyst to being a nerdy spy. His mission? Well, it either involves saving L.A. from nuclear destruction or preventing the president from reading "Goodnight Moon" to a group of schoolchildren. It's never made clear.

The filmmakers steer Agent 86 away from being a clumsy, self-deluded and improbably effective secret agent and usher him into territory previously strip-mined by Austin Powers. That man of mystery is one of many reference points for a movie that also cribs from "Entrapment," "Fahrenheit 9/11" and the recent "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" without ever bringing anything new or comedically competent to the table.

The story still pits Smart's U.S. spy agency CONTROL against the evil crime syndicate KAOS, with Terence Stamp on hand (and sadly wasted) as the leader of KAOS. Max's love interest remains Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway), but, in a nod to the times, she berates his bumbling instead of fawning over his heroics.

Not having watched the TV series since childhood, I can't say whether it holds up and that this movie represents some kind of blown opportunity. But it's hard to imagine getting less from this talented group of actors - Carell, Hathaway, Stamp and Alan Arkin as The Chief - than director Peter Segal does here. Missed it? Yeah, by a mile. >Glenn Whipp

review>

GET SMART

>PG-13: rude humor, action violence, language.

>Starring: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Alan Arkin.

>Director: Peter Segal.

>Running time: 1 hr. 50 min.

>Playing: Area wide.

>In a nutshell: Spoofs intelligence in the most unintelligent manner possible.