Every year, Chanukah sneaks up on me like a mime at a quiet convention.  And then boom, it's sundown, and I'm one of the screwed giftless contemplating the selection at Walgreens. 

Vowing to do better than the eraser tops and school supplies my parents were famous for during this Festival of Lights, here are the BEST bets for last-minute scrambling, lest you open yourself up to another round of, Again, no presents?! (make sure to emphasize the proper part of this statement for full effect). 

Remember, these are not the most inspired gifts in the known shopping universe, but we’re racing the sun, people.  And since we ran out of time to be thoughtful, we’ve got to at least be creative and charming.   

Painting The Roses Red
Floral Arrangement; $TBD (My Secret Garden)
Artichoke Box; $45-$330 (Artichokes & Co.)

Um, you didn't have a plan for Chanukah eve, you haven't bought a single present, and the next eight nights have arrived.  Start off with a proper apology.  Pretty flowers make everything better.

Right Foot Dreidel, Left Foot Latke
Classic Board Games; $5.89+ (Target) 

Gather an armful of Scrabble, Twister, Candyland, Chutes & Ladders, Battleship, etc., stack on top of each other, wrap with entire roll of shiny paper, secure with giant red bow.  Ta-dah!

All Play To Win
New Classic Games; $24.99+ (Target)

Keep your loved ones busy and giggling and not cursing your name with some new fangled favorites like Scene It, Cranium, Apples To Apples, Balderdash or a DVD Trivial Pursuit Edition.  

Light The Menorah And Spark The Sterno
Retro Orange Fondue Set; $49.99 (Bed, Bath & Beyond)

A gift that inspires activity is key at this late date -- so is dinner.  How about a boiling hot-pot of cheese??  YAY!  Grab the fondue set then make a quick stop at Trader Jo’s for Gruyère & Emmental, garlic, corn starch, kirsch, wine, bread, apples, carrots and any damn thing you want to dip in the bubbler.  

Mug O' Manischewitz
Heroes Of The Torah Glassware; $16 (Urban Outfitters) 

Blasphemy, you say?  L’chaim to that.  This and other Jewishness including but not limited to tee shirts, candles and cards can be found at your local retailer.  Educational and refreshing.

Book It To The Lounger
Their Very Own Fantasy Newsstand; $3-$11/per (Barnes & Noble)

If you’ve got a reader on your hands but don’t have time to select a fitting novel or choice work of non-fiction, head to the racks and scoop up every magazine they’ve ever eyed.  All the weird arty ones, the teen makeup advice ones, the freaky guns one, Mad, trashy celebrity gossip, magazines about lizards, whatever.  Get them all.  It’s funny.  And quantity makes an otherwise odd gift seem intentional. 

And for god’s sake, buy a card.