BY DAVID KRONKE >LA.COM

"Heroes" continues to strike while the iron is cold: They're unleashing a bunch of doll action figures of the characters, starting next month, when cheerleader Claire, time-bending Hiro, moody Peter, ineffectual Mohinder and bad-guy Syler hit stores.

The gyp, of course, comes when you melt down your Claire doll and discover that it doesn't have the same indestructible superpowers that she does. On the other hand, when you misplace your Hiro doll, that proves it has slipped through the time-space continuum. And be careful around that Sylar doll - he might slice open your skull and swipe your brain after absorbing your special ability to spend your workday playing spider solitaire.

But, good news! This announcement came with some of the most hyperbolic press-release gibberish we've seen in months:

From some guy from NBC: "We are certain that the loyal `Heroes' fans will feel that these figures reflect the action and excitement of the series." Yeah, 7-inch-tall chunks of plastic really wind me up with their visceral re-creations of spectacular sequences - oh, wait.

From some guy at the toy company: "NBC has a rich and proud history and Mezco is very excited to become a part of that tradition. Having our first series of seven inch `Heroes' action figures on display at the storied `30 Rock' building in New York City is truly a dream come true for us."

Man, dreams really aren't what they used to be.

Blurring the lines: MTV is proud of the fact that it's a nonstop playground of advertising, product placement and, in general, hawking junk rather than trying to entertain viewers:

"Dario Spina, who handles (integrated marketing) for MTV's entertainment channels like Comedy Central and Spike, said ... `That's the idea here; we want to blur the lines between the commercial breaks and the entertainment content."'

Call me antiquated and old-fashioned, but I prefer having the option to mute the TV when the commercials come on so I can watch little wacky online films featuring Hillary Clinton trying to operate a coffee machine or Maria Bamford being exquisitely neurotic or Tim Fite smashing flowerpots or Tom Waits being Tom Waits.

The only example of this sinister plot I've witnessed is Stephen Colbert hawking a snack chip he clearly holds in at least a little disdain on "The Colbert Report" (Comedy Central is part of the MTV networks). I doubt other shows manage their plugs with such curdled irony.

Does everything have to be commercialized? It sickens me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to snack on some delicious Trader Joe's© pinwheels - which will I have? BBQ Chicken Breast or Havana Style? I'll let you know later!

Idiotic headlines: Against my better judgment, I subscribed to Entertainment Weekly, the magazine famous for loving movies/TV shows/music based upon their hyper-charged marketing campaigns until, oh, six months or a year down the line, when they finally admit that, oh, yeah, they were cold lumps of merde in the first place and that any heat that steamed off them was due in large part to the hyperbolic efforts of Entertainment Weekly itself.

Take a recent issue that has been sitting around my place for more than a week. The headlines are idiotic.

For a "Grey's Anatomy" cover story, the headline reads: "Why is Ellen Pompeo smiling? Because her hit show is finally getting good again." Actually, it's because she's posing for a photo shoot, and smiling is generally what you do for one of those, and anyway, she doesn't look all that happy to begin with.

The other headlines: "Miley Cyrus: Get off her back!" (actually, people getting off on her back is what got her in trouble in the first place); "American Idol: Inside Their Fiercest Battle" (which no doubt explains why the show's ratings and buzz have slipped this season); and "Gossip Girl: Evil Has a New Name" (and EW actually likes "Gossip Girl"; this is only their fifth or sixth story on the show this season, which is really paying off, given that this week's episode was watched by a measly 2.1 million viewers).

On a roll: AMC Wednesday announced it's renewing "Breaking Bad" for a second season, after its truncated (by the writers strike) second season. "Breaking Bad" is that nasty little inspired drama/black comedy starring Bryan Cranston as a beleaguered chemist with cancer who decides to fortify his pathetic health care plan by eliminating the health of patrons and competitors of his spanking-new crystal-meth business. So, with this and "Mad Men," AMC's officially on a roll. Thoughts, HBO?

Questionable schedule: Fox's Monday-Tuesday schedule is a head-scratcher. They've kept "Hell's Kitchen" on Tuesdays after "American Idol," where it loses about half the audience. "House," meanwhile, is on Monday, where it's hardly struggling but is certainly not doing the business it has done on Tuesdays, where it'd reliably lure 18 million to 23 million viewers after "American Idol." (Repeats of "House" have spent the season plugging any timeslot hole in Fox's schedule - do people realize these are new episodes and that it's been relocated?)

David Kronke, (818) 713-3638 david.kronke@dailynews.com

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